Surgery

Todd had his tonsils taken out today. Something I have waited YEARS for. I think that if this were to happen before this year I would not have had near as much anxiety, but with everything he's gone through any type of surgery and any type of sedation scares me. But luckily he came out quite stable and quite comfortable. So far we've had no pain issues... Even with all the coughing from the respiratory infection. This kid has been such a trooper. He is honestly the strongest person I know... And not that he has much of a choice but he has been so brave through all of this. I've often struggled with how could I allow my child to live like this. I would never want to. I thought that I pushed so hard to keep him here with me for such selfish reasons and that in all reality I was just torturing him and condemning him to a painful unhappy life. I would think that I'd be a miserable unhappy crabby person if I lived in the type of state he is in... But this amazing child is far from that. He is the happiest person I know. So easy to smile. So easy to laugh. Recovers from a fit in half a second. Only cries when he actually is uncomfortable or needs something. He has always been the most loving kind and generous child.... And that personality is still here with us today. Again I feared I made the wrong decision to push this tonsil surgery. I know the risks are minimal but we've been through so much it's hard not to think about worst case scenarios. What if I pushed this so hard and he didn't make it for what ever reason? I knew this surgery was what was best for him. The doctors agreed with me, but I don't think they would have agreed with me if I hadn't pushed for a sleep study and actually video taped him sleeping myself. There was a moment today... When they let me go back to the OR room with him, all dressed up like a smurf... They let me walk him in. Hold him on the OR table and even hold his hand and be right next to him until he fell asleep. Before hand, like I said, I had all these worst case scenarios and what if he didn't make it, what was my last moment with him going to be like. Ever since the day he arrested, I think about that morning, that quick hug goodbye before I ran off to work... He was still half asleep. That could have been my last moment... And I had no clue. Even though I know his body went limp from the anesthetic gas it still almost felt like the life draining from him. I didn't realize that I would have felt and reacted the way that I did. I was holding his hand and I felt him let go and his hand get heavier in mine. (With my own patients this is generally when I let out the sigh of relief.) I don't know that there is anyone on the planet that could love me the way this child does. Nothing against Brian or my parents, but his adoration and unconditional love and trust for me has surpassed anything I ever could have imagined. Even though he can't talk. Can't nod his head. Can't blink yes or no. We communicate on an entirely different level. I know he feeds off me and I most certainly feed off him. Before the injury if I was ever upset about something or stressed out about school or what ever he would come up to me and hold ME and tell me it would all be alright and that he loved me. He has the most precious soul I have ever been privileged to meet and I am so thankful to be able to call myself his Mommy..... I must have done something right.

Thank you

My writing has started to slow down. I think mainly I've quit moping and dwelling as much as I had been or maybe it has become easier to deal with everything that I'm feeling. I no longer feel like I'm going to explode if I don't throw up my emotions and thoughts on paper. 

Or maybe I'm happier? ...Maybe I'm busier? (Is that even possible?) 

The last 2 weeks Todd has shown the most improvement that I've seen since those first few days when he woke up for the first time. I knew progress would be slow and I'm okay with that (at least that's what I keep telling myself) but it's hard for me to see slow progress since I'm with him everyday. He has absolutely amazed me and given ME a second wind. He gave me another burst of hope. It was much needed. My hope and faith were starting to run dry that we would continue to see progress. I thought we had plateaued... but once again, this little stinker proved me wrong. 

Although he significantly affects how I am and my demeanor... I do have to give credit where it is due. First of all my family. Everyone has been such an amazing supporter. From the one text message in a blue moon, to the letters to let me know you are thinking of me, to the care packages and monetary help. Every single bit of that has helped keep me strong on my feet. To the phone calls to talk about nothing, to giving me my space and respecting it, to respecting decisions that you may not necessarily understand or agree with. To just simply letting me know that you love me and are here for me. For awhile I thought I was alone. Even with this giant family. I felt like no one understood and I would forever be an outsider and different. This is not the case and I have felt more love from all of you than I can ever explain. 

Second of all my fiance. He has put up with my emotional roller coaster. He has walked on egg shells around me. He has gone so far out of his way just to get one tiny half smile out of me. Even if it means I'll have another meltdown immediately after. He's held me and cried with me. He's laughed with me at things we should not be laughing at but they were so bad that what else could we really do? He's held my hand through our fights... through our bickering. He hasn't given up that one day I will be sane again. I've never experienced someone with more patience than him... I love you. 

Third of all my friends. Just having normal conversations goes farther than you all know. The snapchats, text messages, random Facebook comments definitely give my life a little less weight. I don't feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders. I can laugh a little. Relax. You guys brought me back into the real world even if I did come kicking and screaming. From being my gym buddy, to having pool days, to the random frozen drink night.... I feel human again. I feel like Lauren again. 

We sent out wedding invitations yesterday too. It gets closer and closer so fast. I know it will be here before we know it. In a sense I can't wait... but in another, I'm finally happy and enjoying myself... I want to stop and enjoy it for a bit... not speed through it.