Surgery

Todd had his tonsils taken out today. Something I have waited YEARS for. I think that if this were to happen before this year I would not have had near as much anxiety, but with everything he's gone through any type of surgery and any type of sedation scares me. But luckily he came out quite stable and quite comfortable. So far we've had no pain issues... Even with all the coughing from the respiratory infection. This kid has been such a trooper. He is honestly the strongest person I know... And not that he has much of a choice but he has been so brave through all of this. I've often struggled with how could I allow my child to live like this. I would never want to. I thought that I pushed so hard to keep him here with me for such selfish reasons and that in all reality I was just torturing him and condemning him to a painful unhappy life. I would think that I'd be a miserable unhappy crabby person if I lived in the type of state he is in... But this amazing child is far from that. He is the happiest person I know. So easy to smile. So easy to laugh. Recovers from a fit in half a second. Only cries when he actually is uncomfortable or needs something. He has always been the most loving kind and generous child.... And that personality is still here with us today. Again I feared I made the wrong decision to push this tonsil surgery. I know the risks are minimal but we've been through so much it's hard not to think about worst case scenarios. What if I pushed this so hard and he didn't make it for what ever reason? I knew this surgery was what was best for him. The doctors agreed with me, but I don't think they would have agreed with me if I hadn't pushed for a sleep study and actually video taped him sleeping myself. There was a moment today... When they let me go back to the OR room with him, all dressed up like a smurf... They let me walk him in. Hold him on the OR table and even hold his hand and be right next to him until he fell asleep. Before hand, like I said, I had all these worst case scenarios and what if he didn't make it, what was my last moment with him going to be like. Ever since the day he arrested, I think about that morning, that quick hug goodbye before I ran off to work... He was still half asleep. That could have been my last moment... And I had no clue. Even though I know his body went limp from the anesthetic gas it still almost felt like the life draining from him. I didn't realize that I would have felt and reacted the way that I did. I was holding his hand and I felt him let go and his hand get heavier in mine. (With my own patients this is generally when I let out the sigh of relief.) I don't know that there is anyone on the planet that could love me the way this child does. Nothing against Brian or my parents, but his adoration and unconditional love and trust for me has surpassed anything I ever could have imagined. Even though he can't talk. Can't nod his head. Can't blink yes or no. We communicate on an entirely different level. I know he feeds off me and I most certainly feed off him. Before the injury if I was ever upset about something or stressed out about school or what ever he would come up to me and hold ME and tell me it would all be alright and that he loved me. He has the most precious soul I have ever been privileged to meet and I am so thankful to be able to call myself his Mommy..... I must have done something right.