It's been awhile...

I don't know how to explain how I feel about everything that's about to happen.

We're moving.

I start a new job.

We're building a house that is Todd friendly.

Brian begins his career at a new job.

We're moving to an entirely different climate.

I'm scared, excited, nervous, terrified, happy, and hopeful.

We're leaving a system we've adapted to all to find a new system to adapt to. This is where everything happened with Todd. We visited the PICU nurses that took care of him today, we went to where it happened a couple weeks ago, is it a blessing we are getting away or not?

I have a hard time with flashbacks and memories of either things we did before or of everything that happened during that scary time. I think it will be good to get away. Maybe I'll finally be able to drive to and from work without crying... Without flashbacks. But then, no one will know who Todd was, is. I don't want his memory to fade or die. To me, he's still that same kid and he always will be. I don't know how to handle people that didn't know him differently.

I'm worried the people who have been so amazing  to us will not have replacements when we move. Luckily our favorite PT moved before us which showed us that we could love a new PT just as much and then our OT left for maternity leave showing us that we could trust another OT. Our cardiologist is amazing right now... I didn't know how much of an impact on my life this man would have the day we met, he came to the room to break the news to us the results of Todd's heart tests after the arrest... It wasn't good. I cried and I cried and somehow wound up in his arms... As soon as I realized I apologized and tried to pull away but he didn't let me. He let me cry and grossly snot into his arm... Not even knowing that he would soon be our primary cardiologist. Today he gaveme some of he best encouragement and thoughtful comments. Which I truly believe he meant. He cares as much for our family as he does for Todd. I have not seen the quality in a doctor as often as you should.

I want to have peace with moving but there is so much uncertainty and anxiety. But that's life... You just keep going.