Christmas

I have been struggling with the holidays this year. Do I want to celebrate? Do I not want to? Do I want to acknowledge the day? I'm terrified of what I'll feel that day. I've always loved the holidays. No matter what was going on I could get through it. This year... I'm scared of it. I'm scared of the holidays I'm scared of the feelings. I don't know if I'll power through it or if I'll lay in bed and cry all day.

I have always looked forward to Christmas.... regardless of the presents, regardless of anything else... it was always magical for me. All I can think about now is that I didn't have Todd for Christmas for the last 2 years. It feels like it's lost it's meaning for me. And I hate that. I don't want it to lose it's meaning and the fact that I think that makes me angrier.

I'm getting married 2 days later. Once upon a time... no this was not the most ideal time to get married but this was the only time we had... now I'm terrified that I'm cramming two major events that my son was supposed to be FULLY present for into one week.

I know he is still here. I know he still laughs and smiles.... but I still miss who he was. The perfect little soul that he was. We took him to see the Christmas lights last week and it took everything in me not to have a meltdown. I bought his Christmas presents today after saying for weeks that I couldn't do it.

I thought I had moved passed the pain. But this month just brought everything rushing back.

Not only am I stressed out but I also found out that I have a stomach ulcer. Hoping this doesn't get any worse in the coming week than it already is.

Merry Christmas