Brian mentioned to me the other day how excited he was that it was August or something like that.. I didn't understand why since I'm the one with the weird season fixations. Apparently he's looking forward to how I'll make the house smell since I'm obsessed with fall scents and usually go buy in bulk in August. I pull out all the Fall decorations... colorful leaves, wreathes, even new place mats.
I don't know if I can do that this year.
I'm not excited. There is no back to school. We were supposed to be posting the obligatory back to school pictures just like everyone else. Today, the day everyone else went back to school, marks 5 months since Todd cardiac arrested. We also had to drive to Jacksonville and back for Botox injections. The rehab specialist mentioned a Baclofen pump to us again as well. They are technically not indicated until you're at least a full year out from injury so I put it out of my mind from when they mentioned it when we were at the hospital. Todd already has an AICD in him... in his belly. I don't know that there is room for much else. Not to mention I don't really like the idea of a pump going directly into his spine.
It breaks my heart that Todd didn't start school today. He loved school. As of now he will only get an hour and a half a WEEK of teaching split into two 45 minute sessions. That could change Thursday though at our first IEP (Individualized Education Plan) meeting. That in itself is going to be a battle.
It's the last few months before the wedding and I've gained weight since all this happened. My dress doesn't fit the way it used to. It doesn't look the way it used to. Maybe it's because I've changed from all of this and see things differently. I don't know.
This season is also turning into a countdown. A countdown to next semester. Next semester when Brian goes back into clinics and has crazy hours with schedules that we won't know until the first day on the rotation. I'm losing my mind trying to figure out how this is going to work. How I'll be able to work.
And what to I do about Halloween? Sure I can still dress him up and wheel him around... but Trick or Treat? That sounds like torture... Here let's roll you around and collect candy that you can't eat. Not that he ate much any other year (we still have Halloween candy from last year on top of our fridge) but it's the idea. Then there's Christmas... he can't help decorate or pick out a tree. We can't cuddle, drink hot chocolate and watch Christmas movies. He can't even open his presents.
When I open my calendar and look at the next several months... all I see are doctor appointments and therapy.
This only touches the surface of everything going on inside my head. There are so many other conflicting issues and ideas swarming through my head. How do you make peace with a situation when there is so much turmoil?
Even before all of this I questioned if I was a good mother. I worked my ass of getting through 4 years of school, nursing school included, for him... for us. I wanted to make sure I could support him, but in the end I wound up taking a lot of time from him. Was it the right decision? Now all I can think about are all the times I did things without him. Every time I hired a babysitter. Every time I took a trip without him. All the hours of studying that could have been spent playing with him. You always think there will be time later. I couldn't wait till Brian finished school. We'd have two incomes and plenty of money to take multiple trips to Disney and go on actual vacations as a family. We've also pretty much decided we aren't having another child. Granted there is still plenty of time for that to change, but it's the idea we're going with for now. Todd wanted a little sister so bad... he was begging for one all the time.
I will, however, end this on a brighter note.
There was a patient at work that got very sick and almost died. We were able to bring them back and several days later when I went to go check on them their family told them who I was and even though he/she didn't remember me and was still very weak he/she reached up to shake my hand and hold it. That doesn't happen too often... at least not to me. All I could think was I couldn't be there for Todd... at least I was able to do something for this person. Apparently someone had told the family about my situation and Todd and I think they were more upset that I had to go through this with their family member than I was. I've been thanked a million times by patients and their families... but never one quite like this... not this situation. I felt almost happy.
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