Anxiety

I went back to work last week After 4 1/2 months of being off... it was definitely an adjustment. My first day could have gone a lot better. I forgot my breakfast, the coffee shop changed it's hours so they weren't open yet, I turned the wrong way, I was floated to another unit, and I forgot my passwords to chart and pull drugs. By 7:30 I thought I was doomed. It turned out to be a pretty decent day though.

Getting back onto my actual unit was where the challenging part was. Not to be overly dramatic, but that's where I was when I got 'the call.' I get flashbacks of that day. When I walked to my car after my first day all I could think was that the last time I actually walked here... Todd was perfect and healthy. I'd like to hope that it gets easier... hoping that it's sooner rather than later. I try to walk out with people now so that I'm not alone with just my thoughts.

 I don't mind people asking about me, how I'm doing and how Todd's doing. It's definitely nice to have adult interaction and actual conversations. But when the conversation isn't focused on me and the only thing I have to add has to do with bringing Todd up, I feel awkward. I literally have nothing else to talk about. I don't want to sound like a broken record and I don't want to be all depressing. Overall good first week back to work. I have amazing coworkers :)

The next topic of conversation becomes the wedding... it's the only other thing going on in my life. Even that gives me so much anxiety though. I feel like I get criticized for continuing to plan it and go through with it. I'm terrified of upsetting people. I'm terrified of fighting with people. I feel guilty that I take time away from Todd to do wedding things like go with my mom to buy her dress or go get a slip for my dress... but this is the one and only thing I have to look forward to right now. I don't see why I should have to give that up. Yes, some things will have to be modified, but it doesn't mean it can't still happen. He's not acutely sick anymore. He's stable. He will be there and he will participate. Not to mention... a lot can happen in 4 months.

I want to feel happiness again. I want to get excited again. Perhaps I'm overly sensitive, but I feel like every time I find a light during all this darkness someone finds a way to dampen it. I also feel that I have a right to be sensitive. Not forever, but it hasn't even been 5 months... we haven't even been living at home for 2. I deserve time to adjust and process all of this. 

Hoping this emotional roller coaster will someday become much less jerky.