Finding the Positives

Not a single part of this journey has been easy. I don't know that I ever expected it to be easy, but I never expected my son to get a brain injury either. 

Every time I look at him all I can think is 'wow' - he is such a fighter. I struggle with being depressed and sad and mad and every other emotion that exists. But, how bad can I really have it compared to him? I got to be a 7 year old. I got to go to school normally. He is a kid... a child. The rest of his life will forever be changed. As is mine.... but I at least lived. I got to grow up. 

I did flashcards with Todd this morning. He did amazing. I often find myself observing his therapies and find myself actively trying to not let myself get too excited or too optimistic. But there is no denying this. I've been told to prepare for setbacks... we haven't had one yet (knock on wood). I'm just terrified. He woke up the day after he arrested and was following commands... Of course that was before the injury set in... as I know now... but I was so happy then... so happy that I took a brain injury off the table. I don't know if I'm strong enough to handle a setback yet. 

I try to force normalcy on myself. I am going to the gym. Going to work. Engaging in forced conversations. If you have to work so hard to feel/be normal... is it actually normal? I feel like I can't relate to people anymore. Everything going on with Todd is the center and entity of my world. There isn't anything else going on. I feel like a broken record when people talk to me and the only thing I have to contribute to the conversation is how I had to argue with insurance companies all day. Once or twice is no big deal... but it's becoming every day. 

I was in therapy before all of this just to deal with past issues and how to not allow them to affect my future. I was doing pretty good and we were able to change my view of things and perception of them. That changed everything. I had ground breaking appointments that I walked out a new person. 10x happier than I'd ever been. I'm scared to go back. I don't expect anyone to understand what I'm going through if they haven't been through it themselves... so the idea of a psychologist telling me what to do and how to deal infuriates me... just like it does when anyone else does. There is no manual for life. There are no directions on how to deal with this and live and be happy. I need to be happy again. I need to be happy not only for myself... but for Todd too. 

Todd smiles. He laughs. He plays (modified version of course). He keeps me going. Seeing his smile every morning pushes me through the day. His laughter motivates me. There are other parents whose children have similar injuries that haven't smiled... haven't shown emotion.... I don't know what I'd do. The only thing getting me through this is knowing that Todd can experience happiness. 

He progresses more each day. More laughing. More smiling. More noises. Flashcards. More movements. More mouth/chewing movements. None of this is as fast as I would like, but it's there... and I need to remind myself of it every time I get down and depressed. Easier said than done of course. 

I've made a promise to myself that I will try to find at least one positive in everyday... and we can work up from that :)