I've spent a considerable amount of time moping, mourning, crying, and feeling sorry for all of us. Yes, we went through a tragedy, but it shouldn't ruin the rest of our lives. Our lives will of course be completely different than what we previously imagined, but they aren't over. So let's make the most of it.
We have been so busy this past month. Brian's back in school. I'm back to work. Todd started school and is still in therapy. We've had a sleep study and determined his tonsils must come out. That will be happening in late October. We have 3 months until the wedding. Which is completely planned finally. All that's left is to send out invitations. Oh... And did I mention it's my favorite time of year? Fall is my favorite season. September through December is a magical time of year for me. A month ago I wasn't able to even fathom being able to enjoy it this year, but things change. I bought the scented candles like I always do. I pulled out our Fall decorations. I've actually been watching football games. It seems to actual be happening and I am able to enjoy it. I'm actually getting a bridal shower that I didn't think would happen with the way our schedules are. I do have to give props to my family... They have all been such a support for me whether they realize it or not... Whether we talk often or not. Those short simple few and far between conversations make all the difference.
Brian and I were talking earlier and I mentioned how 'they' say the first year of marriage is the hardest... All I could think was 'after what we've been through it should be cake.' We will see. We're very excited to celebrate this next chapter with our friends and family in 3 months!
I've also recently made the decision to get Todd baptized. I always held the philosophy that if he chose to be baptized one day I would support it but that I wouldn't push it on him or any religion for that matter. I grew up Episcapol where we baptize at birth. After everything that has happened and with this upcoming surgery I feel that I should. He isn't able to say if he wants this or not and I know that if something were to happen to him that I would have an insane amount of guilt. I guess I am still pretty religious at heart. That's not to say that I won't let him make his own choices in the future, but I feel I have to do this for him... For me.
Todd is doing more purposeful movement and becoming more interactive every day. He smiles more. Turns his head more. Reacts quicker. I can't deny that I have had my doubts and worries and fears. But he shows me up every time almost like he's saying 'Mommy look I told you I could!' He is such a fighter and such an inspiration. Yes this has greatly affected my life but even more so it has affected his and yet, he still has a smile on his face 99% of the time. I need to cut the crap and start smiling as much as him and enjoy life again. It's not over and we've still got time together... And he finds a way to remind me of that every day.
I'm finding my happiness again... And again... It's because of him.
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