Things I probably shouldn't admit

I realized that my inspiration for writing comes during emotional and sad timing. I think I have trouble opening up during the dark times and get overwhelmed and things build up very quickly. I'm a pretty expressive person... maybe over expressive at times. I think that's another way I deal with the hard times... I over compensate. I think I try so hard to be happy that I'm overbearing and then cause myself to go down into these holes that I can't dig myself out of... but refuse to let anyone know that I fell into this hole. Aside from this realization... I also had another one tonight.

I could have had to plan my son's funeral 8 months ago.

There are so many days that I'm sad, confused, angry about what happened to Todd. How it changed him. Changed me. Changed our family. There were days I felt guilty for not telling the medical team to stop. Did I really push so hard for him to live a life like this? How selfish. Maybe at the time it was selfish... but now I know I made the right choice. I do find happiness in every day. I find happiness even where most wouldn't. This whole situation shed a new light on life for me. It gives you perspective. Some things just don't matter. Some things are just not that important. It really shows you what to make a priority in your life and what is truly important. 

I do struggle often. I am only 24. I had Todd when I was 17. That in itself caused me to grow up faster... but not just that I've gone through something NO parent should go through but at an age where most people I know aren't even parents yet. There are often times I struggle with wanting to be my age, wanting to play mom, wanting to advance my education, wanting to stay at home and shut out the world, wanting to go out and dance, wanting to go on spontaneous adventures. No matter what Todd has always come first. But that leaves my head in a whirlwind of chaos. After all of this, again, I felt selfish that I brought him into this world because I didn't think I could live as being a person that had an abortion... yes, a selfish reason to keep a baby. But he has saved me from myself on so many occasions. He's brought me the most happiness I could ever hope for and continues to do so. He has always loved me unconditionally. His face still lights up when I walk in the door from being at work all day. He still smiles uncontrollably when I call him just to say hi. He has such a loving heart. 

Just some things weighing on me that I probably normally wouldn't admit to.... but they are there and again I needed to get them out.