Rhetorical

Most of the questions I pose will be rhetorical. I'm not very good at taking advice. Not that I don't want it or find it helpful, but I find it really hard to execute what I'm being told to do. I usually just have to find my own way and the process of finding it is what makes the solution a success. Like the typical phrase... It's not about the destination - it's about the journey. The answer to these questions is a destination. I'm not so good at arriving at a destination if I don't know or have the experience of getting there. I don't know if that's a character flaw or just part of who I am. 

Hearing 'new normal' has become a very exhausted phrase in the last 3 months. While a very helpful one, it's as annoying as that pop song they play on the radio every other song. I understand this is a new way of life... a new journey, but I'm having trouble getting there. 

How do you go places you went before? How do you do things you did before? How do you reenter the world? How do you simply... live?

Accepting the idea of a new normal was much easier than actually living it. I went to the gym for the first time today. One of the first few things I've done that didn't have a distinct purpose having to do with Todd. He would always want me to wait till he was out of school or out of after school care so that he could go to Kids Club, the day care at the gym. He loved going. My routine used to consist of walking over to that part of the building and signing him in, now I walk into a completely different door. I almost feel like I'm depriving him of one of his truest joys... 

I haven't really had the time to do many things for myself. We've been busy shuffling to and from doctors appointments, going to therapy, giving medications... and to be honest I don't hate it. I actually enjoy this stay at home mommy/nurse thing. I always thought I would lose my mind before. That being said... we've only been home 2 weeks. I'm very good at doing what needs to be done. I go into autopilot. No questions, no wavering - get shit done mode. I feel guilty doing things for myself. I feel like the amount of time I would spend getting my nails done could be spent researching treatments for this, stretching him more, working longer with him. He deserves it. 

I'm supposed to go to dinner with a friend tonight. We're going to a restaurant where the last time I went there was with Todd, Brian, and my grandparents. It's scary. He went everywhere with me. That's how it's always been. Up until 2 years ago when we moved here it was always just me and him. Two peas in a pod. I would say 'Let's still go to dinner and bring him' if I didn't feel absolutely guilty every time I ate something in front of him. Maybe once he's able to eat this will be an option, but until then I feel like I'm torturing him. 

The next milestone will be when I return to work. I'm very nervous about this one. For starters, I will be leaving him in someone else's care for 12+ hours. I can't explain how terrifying this is to me. I've been attached to his hip since the day this happened. Not to mention, I work in trauma. I'm going to be taking care of people that had very traumatic, unexpected things happen to them.... I'm going to have to talk to their families. For one, I do think this experience has made me more empathetic... but perhaps TOO empathetic? I can't be strong for a patient's family if I'm fighting back tears myself because I know what it's like to be in their shoes and the wounds are still so fresh. We'll see what happens with that one. 

I have to reenter the world at some point. I've gotten my toes wet, still not sure what the best method of accomplishing this and desensitizing myself is so that I'm not an emotional wreck every time I see something that reminds me of the past. But, I'll figure it out.