Revival

I've struggled since my last post... I can't lie. I can't deny it. Aside from getting up to care for Todd... I didn't get out of bed until 3 o'clock. I got up a couple of times... tried to stay up... couldn't do it. I'm sad. I hurt. I'm grieving. I'm tired. Brian desperately tried to pull me out of bed. Suggestion after suggestion. He finally got me out on the fact that Todd needed more fish oil for tonight. I had to go to the Vitamin Shoppe to get it.

On my way out of the community I checked the mail. Another donation... but this time with specific instructions to pamper myself... do something for me. Brian and I have both attempted to do things for ourselves and make time for ourselves... but it's hard. We both feel so guilty. Guilty leaving the other one alone with Todd. It's hard work. It's physically challenging to lift him, carry him, change his diaper etc. It's mentally challenging when he cries incessantly and we can't figure out what's wrong... no matter what we do. We feel terrible and selfish taking time for ourselves. Our energy should be spent helping him get better not selfishly on ourselves... or so we think.

I cry when I'm with Todd... I cry when I'm without him. I miss him in both instances. I hurt for him. You hurt when your child hurts. He has pain. Contractures and spasms are not painless. I can only imagine. Stretching and placing weight on certain spots helps with the spasticity pain... but it causes pain to do so. I have to hurt him to help him. This. Freaking. Sucks. I now know the true definition of tough love. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

I went to get my nails done... which happens to be a place in the mall. I don't have someone I normally go to - just a certain place. As I was waiting to 'sign in' another woman was paying... she was $4 dollars short. She brought her son with her to the salon... Chick-Fil-A in hand. She obviously spent the other bit of money to buy him that meal. I understand the attempt to pamper/take care of yourself when you don't have the money for it. I never have cash... ever. But, I remember that this particular time that I did in fact have cash in my wallet. I paid the remaining amount. I felt good about it... emotional. The whole salon was made aware that this woman wasn't able to pay... so when she suddenly had the funds of course it was made known what I had done... embarrassing. I tried not to cry. After the generosity that has been shown to me it's the least I could do. We don't know everyone's story. We don't know what they are going through or what they have been through. I know it was only $4 dollars, but they weren't going to let her leave and I'm sure she was utterly embarrassed. After that I sat down to get my nails done. I am not a very talkative person with people I don't know. I usually just sit and suffer in silence... (I also suck at understanding accents) The woman I had today was amazing. We laughed. We talked. We share stories. A very different experience for me. I enjoyed the company.

After that I decided to walk around a bit... I haven't been to the mall in months. I didn't need anything in particular, but I was already there... I might as well look around and feel human again. I wound up finding something I needed for the wedding as well as a watch for work since I start back on Sunday. I'd say that's a successful trip. Then I saw it. The indoor mall playground. Todd loved this place. He would stay there for hours if I let him. I cried. Right there. In the middle of the mall. Staring at other people's children. I'm sure they thought I was a creep. I miss having to drag him passed the place and saying 'next time'. I pulled myself together and kept going. On my way out I ran into a colleague from work. She complimented me and was very supportive of my going back to work and how I've cared for Todd. It was much needed. To hear it from someone other than immediate family.

As I walked away from the conversation another friend invited me to dinner. It was more of a demand rather than a question... but with the day I was having it needed to be that way. Brian had to work overnight tonight and I decided to not be a baby and to tough it out and take Todd out with me. As tedious and difficult as it is to transport him... it was really nice. To have conversations about things other than him.... about things that are funny. It was nice to be able to talk about myself for once and not just in a way in relation to Todd. I'm struggling to remember who I was before this. I'm not the same person I was... but I am still my own person, right? I've struggled to find her... this person, buried beneath Mommie, caregiver, advocate, and nurse. I felt more myself during this dinner than I have in so long.

I also had a somewhat distant family member... not one I talk to often, but I do keep up with on Facebook, contact me to offer to help in any way she could with Todd. Even if that meant flying out here for a bit. I'm still amazed at the generosity of people around me.

I feel like my faith in the future has been revived. I feel like for the past few days/weeks I've felt like I was stuck in a rut. I'm terrified of going back to work, but I think it will help the situation. It will help me reidentifiy with myself. I'll be doing something I love... something I went to school for. A series of problems to solve... that are actually solvable. Task oriented.

There is hope for the future... and I need to stop forgetting that.