Hope for the Future

I've had a lot of different things inspiring this post.

Of course, my ultimate hope is to have the same Todd back.... this just simply is not going to happen. I have researched and researched and have not found a single success story in which I would be happy with the outcome. 

There are kids that get physical mobility back... there are kids that get thought process and learning back... but no kid gets everything... how do you decide what you think would be best? I feel like mentally, Todd is completely there. The looks he gives us, the expressions... they are all appropriate for the situation. So do I wish he was physically better? Yes... of course. I want him to chase me around again. But, then I hear of these kids that are so mentally altered that they are committing violent crimes against not only their families but themselves too.... do I really want Todd to struggle with this? 

What do I want for Todd? I want him to love. I want him to live. I want him to enjoy himself. I want him to succeed. I was never able to picture Todd as a teenager or an adult... maybe because he was no where near either of those things... but, it makes me wonder. I wanted to give him a future, a life. I worked my ass off through nursing school not just for myself, but mainly for him. I knew that I would always have a job, regardless of whether it was one I wanted or not.... but I could provide for him no matter what. My ultimate goal was to take care of him... and now I feel like a failure. 

How do I stop feeling this way?

Right now... I feel like more of a caregiver than a Mom, a roommate rather than a fiance... I've lost my own personality, my own being. I feel like all I do is support everyone else. I'm not working, so my nursing degree is just sitting there staring at me... Who am I? How do I quit feeling like I fail at everything I touch? 

Todd deserved so much more... he didn't deserve to go through this. 

I don't give up hope because to do that would kill me.... and Todd deserves every chance this world has to offer him. I will fight to find any solution there is to this devastating injury. 

Dreams

I'm  usually not one to remember my dreams and even if I do... I don't remember them quite so vividly.

Since we've been in the hospital I've had multiple dreams about Todd. I would like to say that some of them have been good. In theory, yes, they are good dreams, but when you wake up to reality afterwards... there is nothing good about them.

The first two dreams I had were terrible. These must stem from my fear of having another child after all of this. In both dreams Todd had a brother, very close in age. I don't remember the specifics, but there was a child that was hospitalized (like Todd) after the same event and we were going through what we have been going through with Todd. The other child was not so lucky. He had the same condition, but he didn't make it. In the dream these events were happening at the same time. I was going through the loss of a child as well as not knowing if the other one would survive or not. I do have concerns about having another child. I think if Todd makes a full recovery I would be more okay with the idea, but depending on his recovery... and how much care he might need, I don't know that it would a) be plausible to have another child or b) be fair to either child. Yes, I know these thoughts are premature, but none the less still scary and uncomfortable.

The next few dreams I had were the 'good' ones. I say they were good because Todd made a full recovery in them. To wake up after a dream like that is absolute torture. We don't know much of a recovery Todd will make. All I want is for him to talk to me and laugh, smile, and play again. Todd can't communicate with us right now, he hasn't even opened his eyes after his surgery 9 days ago... so sometimes I think, maybe there is this subconscious connection you have with your child and that's his way of visiting me... communicating with me. You'll tell yourself anything to make yourself feel better.

Before the surgery I saw Todd come out. I saw his personality, his fire. That was reassuring. I haven't seen it since that morning when we dropped him off in the OR. He's been very sick since then with going into congestive heart failure and spiking fevers etc.

I wish I could take these dreams away. I don't enjoy either type. If anything, I'd rather have a dream that serves as a premonition... one that actually tells me how this turns out. I know that won't happen and even if it did... I wouldn't know that was what it was until it served to be true.

(Falling asleep anywhere in 2009)