Since we've been in the hospital I've had multiple dreams about Todd. I would like to say that some of them have been good. In theory, yes, they are good dreams, but when you wake up to reality afterwards... there is nothing good about them.
The first two dreams I had were terrible. These must stem from my fear of having another child after all of this. In both dreams Todd had a brother, very close in age. I don't remember the specifics, but there was a child that was hospitalized (like Todd) after the same event and we were going through what we have been going through with Todd. The other child was not so lucky. He had the same condition, but he didn't make it. In the dream these events were happening at the same time. I was going through the loss of a child as well as not knowing if the other one would survive or not. I do have concerns about having another child. I think if Todd makes a full recovery I would be more okay with the idea, but depending on his recovery... and how much care he might need, I don't know that it would a) be plausible to have another child or b) be fair to either child. Yes, I know these thoughts are premature, but none the less still scary and uncomfortable.
The next few dreams I had were the 'good' ones. I say they were good because Todd made a full recovery in them. To wake up after a dream like that is absolute torture. We don't know much of a recovery Todd will make. All I want is for him to talk to me and laugh, smile, and play again. Todd can't communicate with us right now, he hasn't even opened his eyes after his surgery 9 days ago... so sometimes I think, maybe there is this subconscious connection you have with your child and that's his way of visiting me... communicating with me. You'll tell yourself anything to make yourself feel better.
Before the surgery I saw Todd come out. I saw his personality, his fire. That was reassuring. I haven't seen it since that morning when we dropped him off in the OR. He's been very sick since then with going into congestive heart failure and spiking fevers etc.
I wish I could take these dreams away. I don't enjoy either type. If anything, I'd rather have a dream that serves as a premonition... one that actually tells me how this turns out. I know that won't happen and even if it did... I wouldn't know that was what it was until it served to be true.
(Falling asleep anywhere in 2009)
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