It's been awhile...

I don't know how to explain how I feel about everything that's about to happen.

We're moving.

I start a new job.

We're building a house that is Todd friendly.

Brian begins his career at a new job.

We're moving to an entirely different climate.

I'm scared, excited, nervous, terrified, happy, and hopeful.

We're leaving a system we've adapted to all to find a new system to adapt to. This is where everything happened with Todd. We visited the PICU nurses that took care of him today, we went to where it happened a couple weeks ago, is it a blessing we are getting away or not?

I have a hard time with flashbacks and memories of either things we did before or of everything that happened during that scary time. I think it will be good to get away. Maybe I'll finally be able to drive to and from work without crying... Without flashbacks. But then, no one will know who Todd was, is. I don't want his memory to fade or die. To me, he's still that same kid and he always will be. I don't know how to handle people that didn't know him differently.

I'm worried the people who have been so amazing  to us will not have replacements when we move. Luckily our favorite PT moved before us which showed us that we could love a new PT just as much and then our OT left for maternity leave showing us that we could trust another OT. Our cardiologist is amazing right now... I didn't know how much of an impact on my life this man would have the day we met, he came to the room to break the news to us the results of Todd's heart tests after the arrest... It wasn't good. I cried and I cried and somehow wound up in his arms... As soon as I realized I apologized and tried to pull away but he didn't let me. He let me cry and grossly snot into his arm... Not even knowing that he would soon be our primary cardiologist. Today he gaveme some of he best encouragement and thoughtful comments. Which I truly believe he meant. He cares as much for our family as he does for Todd. I have not seen the quality in a doctor as often as you should.

I want to have peace with moving but there is so much uncertainty and anxiety. But that's life... You just keep going.

Christmas

I have been struggling with the holidays this year. Do I want to celebrate? Do I not want to? Do I want to acknowledge the day? I'm terrified of what I'll feel that day. I've always loved the holidays. No matter what was going on I could get through it. This year... I'm scared of it. I'm scared of the holidays I'm scared of the feelings. I don't know if I'll power through it or if I'll lay in bed and cry all day.

I have always looked forward to Christmas.... regardless of the presents, regardless of anything else... it was always magical for me. All I can think about now is that I didn't have Todd for Christmas for the last 2 years. It feels like it's lost it's meaning for me. And I hate that. I don't want it to lose it's meaning and the fact that I think that makes me angrier.

I'm getting married 2 days later. Once upon a time... no this was not the most ideal time to get married but this was the only time we had... now I'm terrified that I'm cramming two major events that my son was supposed to be FULLY present for into one week.

I know he is still here. I know he still laughs and smiles.... but I still miss who he was. The perfect little soul that he was. We took him to see the Christmas lights last week and it took everything in me not to have a meltdown. I bought his Christmas presents today after saying for weeks that I couldn't do it.

I thought I had moved passed the pain. But this month just brought everything rushing back.

Not only am I stressed out but I also found out that I have a stomach ulcer. Hoping this doesn't get any worse in the coming week than it already is.

Merry Christmas

Things I probably shouldn't admit

I realized that my inspiration for writing comes during emotional and sad timing. I think I have trouble opening up during the dark times and get overwhelmed and things build up very quickly. I'm a pretty expressive person... maybe over expressive at times. I think that's another way I deal with the hard times... I over compensate. I think I try so hard to be happy that I'm overbearing and then cause myself to go down into these holes that I can't dig myself out of... but refuse to let anyone know that I fell into this hole. Aside from this realization... I also had another one tonight.

I could have had to plan my son's funeral 8 months ago.

There are so many days that I'm sad, confused, angry about what happened to Todd. How it changed him. Changed me. Changed our family. There were days I felt guilty for not telling the medical team to stop. Did I really push so hard for him to live a life like this? How selfish. Maybe at the time it was selfish... but now I know I made the right choice. I do find happiness in every day. I find happiness even where most wouldn't. This whole situation shed a new light on life for me. It gives you perspective. Some things just don't matter. Some things are just not that important. It really shows you what to make a priority in your life and what is truly important. 

I do struggle often. I am only 24. I had Todd when I was 17. That in itself caused me to grow up faster... but not just that I've gone through something NO parent should go through but at an age where most people I know aren't even parents yet. There are often times I struggle with wanting to be my age, wanting to play mom, wanting to advance my education, wanting to stay at home and shut out the world, wanting to go out and dance, wanting to go on spontaneous adventures. No matter what Todd has always come first. But that leaves my head in a whirlwind of chaos. After all of this, again, I felt selfish that I brought him into this world because I didn't think I could live as being a person that had an abortion... yes, a selfish reason to keep a baby. But he has saved me from myself on so many occasions. He's brought me the most happiness I could ever hope for and continues to do so. He has always loved me unconditionally. His face still lights up when I walk in the door from being at work all day. He still smiles uncontrollably when I call him just to say hi. He has such a loving heart. 

Just some things weighing on me that I probably normally wouldn't admit to.... but they are there and again I needed to get them out. 

Surgery

Todd had his tonsils taken out today. Something I have waited YEARS for. I think that if this were to happen before this year I would not have had near as much anxiety, but with everything he's gone through any type of surgery and any type of sedation scares me. But luckily he came out quite stable and quite comfortable. So far we've had no pain issues... Even with all the coughing from the respiratory infection. This kid has been such a trooper. He is honestly the strongest person I know... And not that he has much of a choice but he has been so brave through all of this. I've often struggled with how could I allow my child to live like this. I would never want to. I thought that I pushed so hard to keep him here with me for such selfish reasons and that in all reality I was just torturing him and condemning him to a painful unhappy life. I would think that I'd be a miserable unhappy crabby person if I lived in the type of state he is in... But this amazing child is far from that. He is the happiest person I know. So easy to smile. So easy to laugh. Recovers from a fit in half a second. Only cries when he actually is uncomfortable or needs something. He has always been the most loving kind and generous child.... And that personality is still here with us today. Again I feared I made the wrong decision to push this tonsil surgery. I know the risks are minimal but we've been through so much it's hard not to think about worst case scenarios. What if I pushed this so hard and he didn't make it for what ever reason? I knew this surgery was what was best for him. The doctors agreed with me, but I don't think they would have agreed with me if I hadn't pushed for a sleep study and actually video taped him sleeping myself. There was a moment today... When they let me go back to the OR room with him, all dressed up like a smurf... They let me walk him in. Hold him on the OR table and even hold his hand and be right next to him until he fell asleep. Before hand, like I said, I had all these worst case scenarios and what if he didn't make it, what was my last moment with him going to be like. Ever since the day he arrested, I think about that morning, that quick hug goodbye before I ran off to work... He was still half asleep. That could have been my last moment... And I had no clue. Even though I know his body went limp from the anesthetic gas it still almost felt like the life draining from him. I didn't realize that I would have felt and reacted the way that I did. I was holding his hand and I felt him let go and his hand get heavier in mine. (With my own patients this is generally when I let out the sigh of relief.) I don't know that there is anyone on the planet that could love me the way this child does. Nothing against Brian or my parents, but his adoration and unconditional love and trust for me has surpassed anything I ever could have imagined. Even though he can't talk. Can't nod his head. Can't blink yes or no. We communicate on an entirely different level. I know he feeds off me and I most certainly feed off him. Before the injury if I was ever upset about something or stressed out about school or what ever he would come up to me and hold ME and tell me it would all be alright and that he loved me. He has the most precious soul I have ever been privileged to meet and I am so thankful to be able to call myself his Mommy..... I must have done something right.

Thank you

My writing has started to slow down. I think mainly I've quit moping and dwelling as much as I had been or maybe it has become easier to deal with everything that I'm feeling. I no longer feel like I'm going to explode if I don't throw up my emotions and thoughts on paper. 

Or maybe I'm happier? ...Maybe I'm busier? (Is that even possible?) 

The last 2 weeks Todd has shown the most improvement that I've seen since those first few days when he woke up for the first time. I knew progress would be slow and I'm okay with that (at least that's what I keep telling myself) but it's hard for me to see slow progress since I'm with him everyday. He has absolutely amazed me and given ME a second wind. He gave me another burst of hope. It was much needed. My hope and faith were starting to run dry that we would continue to see progress. I thought we had plateaued... but once again, this little stinker proved me wrong. 

Although he significantly affects how I am and my demeanor... I do have to give credit where it is due. First of all my family. Everyone has been such an amazing supporter. From the one text message in a blue moon, to the letters to let me know you are thinking of me, to the care packages and monetary help. Every single bit of that has helped keep me strong on my feet. To the phone calls to talk about nothing, to giving me my space and respecting it, to respecting decisions that you may not necessarily understand or agree with. To just simply letting me know that you love me and are here for me. For awhile I thought I was alone. Even with this giant family. I felt like no one understood and I would forever be an outsider and different. This is not the case and I have felt more love from all of you than I can ever explain. 

Second of all my fiance. He has put up with my emotional roller coaster. He has walked on egg shells around me. He has gone so far out of his way just to get one tiny half smile out of me. Even if it means I'll have another meltdown immediately after. He's held me and cried with me. He's laughed with me at things we should not be laughing at but they were so bad that what else could we really do? He's held my hand through our fights... through our bickering. He hasn't given up that one day I will be sane again. I've never experienced someone with more patience than him... I love you. 

Third of all my friends. Just having normal conversations goes farther than you all know. The snapchats, text messages, random Facebook comments definitely give my life a little less weight. I don't feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders. I can laugh a little. Relax. You guys brought me back into the real world even if I did come kicking and screaming. From being my gym buddy, to having pool days, to the random frozen drink night.... I feel human again. I feel like Lauren again. 

We sent out wedding invitations yesterday too. It gets closer and closer so fast. I know it will be here before we know it. In a sense I can't wait... but in another, I'm finally happy and enjoying myself... I want to stop and enjoy it for a bit... not speed through it. 

Life in the Fast Lane

I've spent a considerable amount of time moping, mourning, crying, and feeling sorry for all of us. Yes, we went through a tragedy, but it shouldn't ruin the rest of our lives. Our lives will of course be completely different than what we previously imagined, but they aren't over. So let's make the most of it.

We have been so busy this past month. Brian's back in school. I'm back to work. Todd started school and is still in therapy. We've had a sleep study and determined his tonsils must come out. That will be happening in late October. We have 3 months until the wedding. Which is completely planned finally. All that's left is to send out invitations. Oh... And did I mention it's my favorite time of year? Fall is my favorite season. September through December is a magical time of year for me. A month ago I wasn't able to even fathom being able to enjoy it this year, but things change. I bought the scented candles like I always do. I pulled out our Fall decorations. I've actually been watching football games.  It seems to actual be happening and I am able to enjoy it. I'm actually getting a bridal shower that I didn't think would happen with the way our schedules are. I do have to give props to my family... They have all been such a support for me whether they realize it or not... Whether we talk often or not. Those short simple few and far between conversations make all the difference.

Brian and I were talking earlier and I mentioned how 'they' say the first year of marriage is the hardest... All I could think was 'after what we've been through it should be cake.' We will see. We're very excited to celebrate this next chapter with our friends and family in 3 months!

I've also recently made the decision to get Todd baptized. I always held the philosophy that if he chose to be baptized one day I would support it but that I wouldn't push it on him or any religion for that matter. I grew up Episcapol where we baptize at birth. After everything that has happened and with this upcoming surgery I feel that I should. He isn't able to say if he wants this or not and I know that if something were to happen to him that I would have an insane amount of guilt. I guess I am still pretty religious at heart. That's not to say that I won't let him make his own choices in the future, but I feel I have to do this for him... For me.

Todd is doing more purposeful movement and becoming more interactive every day. He smiles more. Turns his head more. Reacts quicker. I can't deny that I have had my doubts and worries and fears. But he shows me up every time almost like he's saying 'Mommy look I told you I could!' He is such a fighter and such an inspiration. Yes this has greatly affected my life but even more so it has affected his and yet, he still has a smile on his face 99% of the time. I need to cut the crap and start smiling as much as him and enjoy life again. It's not over and we've still got time together... And he finds a way to remind me of that every day.

I'm finding my happiness again... And again... It's because of him.

Finding the Positives

Not a single part of this journey has been easy. I don't know that I ever expected it to be easy, but I never expected my son to get a brain injury either. 

Every time I look at him all I can think is 'wow' - he is such a fighter. I struggle with being depressed and sad and mad and every other emotion that exists. But, how bad can I really have it compared to him? I got to be a 7 year old. I got to go to school normally. He is a kid... a child. The rest of his life will forever be changed. As is mine.... but I at least lived. I got to grow up. 

I did flashcards with Todd this morning. He did amazing. I often find myself observing his therapies and find myself actively trying to not let myself get too excited or too optimistic. But there is no denying this. I've been told to prepare for setbacks... we haven't had one yet (knock on wood). I'm just terrified. He woke up the day after he arrested and was following commands... Of course that was before the injury set in... as I know now... but I was so happy then... so happy that I took a brain injury off the table. I don't know if I'm strong enough to handle a setback yet. 

I try to force normalcy on myself. I am going to the gym. Going to work. Engaging in forced conversations. If you have to work so hard to feel/be normal... is it actually normal? I feel like I can't relate to people anymore. Everything going on with Todd is the center and entity of my world. There isn't anything else going on. I feel like a broken record when people talk to me and the only thing I have to contribute to the conversation is how I had to argue with insurance companies all day. Once or twice is no big deal... but it's becoming every day. 

I was in therapy before all of this just to deal with past issues and how to not allow them to affect my future. I was doing pretty good and we were able to change my view of things and perception of them. That changed everything. I had ground breaking appointments that I walked out a new person. 10x happier than I'd ever been. I'm scared to go back. I don't expect anyone to understand what I'm going through if they haven't been through it themselves... so the idea of a psychologist telling me what to do and how to deal infuriates me... just like it does when anyone else does. There is no manual for life. There are no directions on how to deal with this and live and be happy. I need to be happy again. I need to be happy not only for myself... but for Todd too. 

Todd smiles. He laughs. He plays (modified version of course). He keeps me going. Seeing his smile every morning pushes me through the day. His laughter motivates me. There are other parents whose children have similar injuries that haven't smiled... haven't shown emotion.... I don't know what I'd do. The only thing getting me through this is knowing that Todd can experience happiness. 

He progresses more each day. More laughing. More smiling. More noises. Flashcards. More movements. More mouth/chewing movements. None of this is as fast as I would like, but it's there... and I need to remind myself of it every time I get down and depressed. Easier said than done of course. 

I've made a promise to myself that I will try to find at least one positive in everyday... and we can work up from that :)