I have many moments of frustration. Anger. Throwing myself a pity party (that usually stays in my head). When ever I go down the pity party road I remember that this is so much worse for Todd than for me. Cue reality check. I've been brought back down to Earth and know that my role is to make the most of this and give him the best care, love, and life he deserves.
I'm going to 'Embrace the Situation'.
We have to make a new normal for ourselves. Todd, Me, Brian. Everything will change. Everything has changed. I've searched and searched for the silver lining. For something. They say you can find happiness in every situation. I've been looking. I think I've found it.
Right now, the source of my misery is being stuck in this hospital. They've done what they can do. It's time to move to the next step. Rehab. We've been waiting and waiting for this transition. I've heard such wonderful things about rehab in general and the one we are specifically going to. I am ready for this. I know Todd is ready for it. Poor thing is tired of laying on his back. He wants to sit up all the time and start moving, doing things again. This wouldn't be so bad if I didn't have to support his weight. I can only balance and support him for so long before I start hurting. I know Brian is ready for it. I know he hates being away from us.
When Todd had the surgery to implant the AICD they had to crack part of his sternum. It was only the bottom part, but he has had to be on sternal precautions ever since. They recommend 6-8 weeks of precautions. Sternal precautions essentially means you have to be careful how you hold him, pull him, maneuver him so as to not pull apart that bone. This has made stretching and therapy somewhat more difficult. The main thing that it affects is his ability to lay on his stomach. He is tired of laying on his back and on his sides. I can tell when I'm holding him and we tilt and roll that he wants to just belly flop onto the bed and stay there. A few more weeks.... a few more weeks and he can.
This is how I'm embracing the situation.
I am so excited for tummy time. Any of the moms out there know what I mean by this. This is how your child learns to roll over, hold their head up etc. All things Todd has to relearn again. I know this sounds absolutely ridiculous, but I'm ready to be home with him where I have our carpeted floor, blankets, large beds, a couch that I can situate him more comfortably and therapeutically. Tummy time is what I'm hanging onto. He's already holding his head up better and better everyday. But, I think laying on his stomach and being able to stretch out and even roll him around is going to help so much. If nothing else he'll enjoy the stretch and freedom.
I've even picked out the blankets I want to use.
It has been hard for me to accept that he has reverted back to an almost infant status in some respects. His only way to communicate is to cry. So I have to guess at what he wants/needs. Luckily he still understands what I say to him (at least I think he does) so I can at least make it seem like I'm not doing all of this just to torture him. But, I used to joke around with him, pick him up like a baby and rock him and say 'You're so big, you're not my baby anymore, what happened?' He would just laugh and laugh. Sometimes make baby noises back at me to play along. Well, I get to have Baby Todd back. Maybe not in the way I joked about wanting, but I do get the baby aspect back to a degree. I get to use all the stimulating baby toys, classical music, educational shows etc. I get to play those ridiculous games with him that teaches him to be aware of his body. The fun things.
I have managed to get myself excited for this.
I know there are going to be set backs. Hard days. All nighters. Diaper changing. But, I had to find something to hang onto.
No comments:
Post a Comment