Heartbroken

I went home today to do laundry and switch out some of our clothes. The friends watching our dogs are out of town this weekend so we brought them home. This was the first time they greeted me when I came home since the night before this all happened. Heartbreaking. It was bittersweet. I loved seeing them. I knew they were happy to be home, but it wasn't the same. I'm supposed to say hi to them, say hi to Brian, and then Todd is supposed to be there. 

His room is still clean from when I went through and put things away. I didn't want it to look like a storage space (it was beginning to with all the boxes and gifts we've received). Too still. Too quiet. Everything exactly where I put it. That's not how it's supposed to be. Everything is supposed to get messed up 5 minutes after I clean. You can see the animal hair from where they have been curling up on his bed. This is their spot when he isn't home. This is where they wait for him to come back. 

I decided I should finally fold the laundry from a few weeks ago that has been sitting in the basket since coming out of the dryer. I figured it would all be our clothes and maybe some towels and sheets. His clothes were in there. His sweaters, his jeans, his socks and underwear. How long has it been since he actually wore these? He's been in the hospital for 6 1/2 weeks.As I was folding them I noticed some of them were ones he had just grown out of and I thought, 'Oh yeah, I need to go through his clothes and donate.' I donate all of his old clothes. As soon as this thought crossed my mind, I was frozen. Even though it's something I do several times a year, I can't make myself go through and throw his stuff out right now. Even if it doesn't fit. It's too soon. It makes it feel like he's gone. No. I'll save that for another day. 

Before I headed back to the hospital I took the dogs for a walk. Again, this is the first time I've walked them around our neighborhood in over 6 weeks. It was already a gloomy, rainy day, this just sealed the deal. Everything just feels so lifeless. So still. There are always kids outside playing... at least there were before this happened. No kids. I was almost home when all of a sudden I look up and see Todd's friend standing in his doorway... I tried to look away at first, but he noticed me. As soon as he figured out who I was he shouted, 'Todd?!' ... it took everything in me not to hit the ground. I wanted to tell him he was home. I wanted to tell him I would send Todd out to play. All this child knows is that his friend is in the hospital... he has no idea. I told him that Todd was still in the hospital and that we'd let him know as soon as he was home. I quickly made it back to our place. I got in the door and lost it. I just want things to be normal again. I want them to go back to how they were. It was perfect. I want our family back. I want our routines back. I want my child back.