Mother's Day

I desperately wanted to ignore the fact that this weekend was Mother's Day. It didn't feel right, not having Todd able to talk to me, us still being in the hospital. I thought that if I didn't go out, I didn't do anything, and stayed holed up in the hospital that it could somehow bypass me. I was wrong.

I got emails, messages, texts, phone calls etc wishing me a Happy Mother's Day. At first I was a little bitter over it... I just didn't want to hear it, but after a while it felt better. I needed to hear it from other people since I couldn't hear it from Todd. For what ever reason I felt like there was nothing to celebrate... at least not me. I did tell my mother's (all 3 of them) Happy Mother's Day... I didn't ignore them, but I didn't want to have anything to do with it being about me. I guess part of me feels like a failure or that I did something wrong. 

I was reminded that this was not the case.

My soon-to-be Mother-in-Law said to me, 'if you haven't proved that you are a wonderful mother through this then I don't know what will'.... or something along those lines. It kind of hit me that even though I don't feel like I've been doing a whole lot of 'mothering' the last 2 months I am doing what a mother should. 

I guess this all comes back to guilt. Of course, Todd isn't being punished for something... he's 6. What 6 year old deserves this? Obviously, something/someone is punishing me. What did I do to have this inflicted upon my child? Was I not appreciative of him enough. Did I not pay enough attention to him? What did I do to cause this to happen to him? Was I that selfish? It's so hard to get these thoughts out of my head. I know they are wrong, I know this isn't punishment... it's life. Bad things happen. I guess I just want someone to blame... and there isn't anyone. 

Yesterday turned out to be a day that everyone explained to me just how great of a Mom I was and all the things that I have done during these last two hard months have been the epitome of a good mother. Mother's Day could not have come at a better time. I needed the reminder. I was sinking into a hole of depression and feeling bad for Todd, feeling bad for myself, feeling bad for dragging Brian into being a part of this family. The day greatly exceeded my expectations. 

Thank you to everyone that reached out to me. I greatly appreciate it :)