Faith

I recently read a blog written by another Mom with a child going through something similar to Todd. She spoke about how her faith was questioned and challenged. Luckily for her, it seems her faith only grew stronger with what was going on with her child... my experience was somewhat different. 

I started moving away from religion around the time my parents were going through a divorce. A time when we needed our church the most. We were practically shunned. The looks we got. The gossip. It seemed to be just another group of people who were only there for the good times...not the bad. I didn't want to be a part of that. I attempted to attend several other churches, but nothing ever felt comfortable. Even after Todd was born, I attempted to take him to church. The looks and judgement I got for being a young mom... maybe I should have been stronger... but I didn't feel welcome or accepted. I did however allow him to go with his great grandmother to her church every Sunday while I worked. It was important to me that Todd have exposure and hopefully develop a faith of his own.

Throughout multiple experiences I would question how God, this good God, that I was taught about would allow these things to happen. So much pain and suffering. So much unhappiness in the world. This led me to my belief in the universe. A system of balance. I always believed there was something more than just us... but I was struggling to believe the God that I had been taught about. Plus, I struggled with the multiple religions. How could only one group of people know the truth or be right? I believed in the universe. I believed in balance... in cause and effect. 

When this happened... when I was sitting in that emergency room. I prayed for Todd to be saved. I felt guilty. How dare I pray selfishly after not praying or anything prior to this for years. I didn't realize what I was praying for then. I didn't realize that by saving him that he would be introduced into a different life when he came back. Did I really pray for him to be saved just to suffer? Was I being punished for selfishly praying? He doesn't deserve to live like this. He deserves so much more. How is it okay to allow this to happen to a child? Someone so innocent. 

Recently I've struggled adjusting. I feel like I do well during the day time, when we're out and about... but in those late hours and early morning hours... I cry. I miss him terribly. I've started to pray again... again feeling selfish. During one of these prayers I asked for a sign... as I'm sure many people have done before me. I needed to know. I hoped it would be in a way of progression with Todd... it came much differently.

I know this is going to sound crazy, but bear with me. 

One of our neighbors', one of Todd's friends, cat got loose last night. Her mom hadn't told her yet as she was desperately hoping that the cat would turn up before she had to tell her. I was leaving our complex for an appointment and had literally just gotten done thinking, 'How awesome would it be if I could fine this cat for her?' I know the pain of having your childhood animal run away. And I was struggling with feeling incompetent and unable to really do anything right (I always took pride in how well Todd was turning out - so smart, so polite, so fun and loving... but then I even failed at that... I didn't protect him).... It was no more than a second that the thought passed through my mind that I saw this cat. It allowed me to pick it up and take it home. No problems. This was my sign. I know it sounds insane, but it was my sign. My faith may not be what it was... but I still have a little bit left. I can build on that.