I've completely abandoned this thought process.
I think I came up with this so called theory to help myself get through previous trials in my life. I went through a lot of tough situations starting in my preteen years. These situations were awful enough that I had to develop coping mechanisms. How does an 11-12 year old cope with situations that they can't even fully understand? Things that even to this day are difficult to understand. To protect myself from being bitter, angry, resentful... I had to come up with something that showed me a light at the end of the tunnel. Although I still struggle with a lot of these feelings and emotions... it got better when I thought, and forced myself to believe, that the worst was behind me. How could anything be worse than what I already went through? The only thing I could come up with is if the same situation occurred with a bit of a different ending. So, even if this did happen again... I would be prepared. I would already know how to handle it, how to handle myself in the situation.
I never imagined that this would happen.
I never would have guessed that this would have happened to my child. Those types of thoughts just don't cross your mind. You see your child growing up, going to school, learning new things, developing their own personalities...their own lives.
I thought, there has to be a balance, a reason for all the madness. There is no reason. There is no answer.... and some people just get dealt sucky situation after sucky situation. I convinced myself that, yeah... bad things would happen again, but nothing quite so tragic. I was wrong. Very wrong. I'm still in disbelief. I clung to this theory. I lived by it. The worst was behind me... no, it wasn't.
At this point, it has all been about my situations. What I've gone through. But, there is another person in the mix. Brian. Another person who went through horrible, horrible times. Awful experiences... tragedies. He fell in love with Todd. He adores him. It's not fair that he should have to experience even more pain than he already has. Before all of this with Todd, I presented my theory to him hoping to help him. Now, I just feel like an idiot. How wrong could I have been?
Brian is absolutely amazing to Todd. I could not have found a better person to spend my life with and involve in Todd's life. I wouldn't change the experiences Todd has from Brian for anything. But, there is an extremely high level of guilt from me introducing Brian to Todd. Had I never pursued the relationship. Had we never pushed to be together. Had I never introduced him to my child... he wouldn't be feeling this pain. This was not something that he had to be a part of. I got pregnant, I had a baby, I have to live with those decisions and everything that comes of it. He didn't. He didn't have to go through this with me. I feel responsible for the pain he feels from this. It's my fault for introducing them. Granted, yes, he had a choice. He didn't have to play the role he did. He didn't have to do all the things he did. But, that's part of what makes him such a great person. He doesn't deserve to go through this.
I don't know how to see the light at the end of the tunnel anymore. I'm taking everything hour by hour. I can't possibly look any further ahead. It's exhausting. It's scary. There is so much unknown... it's overwhelming.
I went to Publix yesterday and cried in the dairy section by the yogurt. Todd used to pick out his 10 Publix yogurts every trip. When does it get better? When does it get easier? Will we ever be able to be happy again?
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