Non Pity Party Post

I set up this blog so that I could vent/release my feelings out into the world and people could 'choose' to read or not... I think I may have turned this page into a pity party for myself. This was not my intention, but I do find myself more willing to write when I'm sad and depressed rather than when I'm happy and energetic. 

As of lately I just feel drained. I wake up tired. I go to sleep tired. I try to push myself to do things for myself, but I'm just exhausted. I'm exhausted, but then I find myself lying in bed, restless and awake. 

I have frequently visited the thought of 'what if he didn't make it' or 'would it have been better than having a brain injury' .... the conclusion I have come to is that being able to cuddle with him and build a fort over him and watch him laugh as my shoddy fort comes falling down on top of us is much better than visiting a grave... any day. He still brings so much happiness into my life. He laughs so easily. He smiles at me. He shows me that he loves me. No amount of pain in the world can trump the feeling I get when he smiles at me. 

Last night, as I mentioned earlier, I built a fort. Just like blankets and chairs, but none the less a fort. I was underneath it with him while we watched a movie (Tangled, I think)... I started telling him 'I love you' ... he started trying to mimic my mouth motions and blew air out at somewhat appropriate times. You could tell he was trying. 

Yesterday morning, we had physical therapy. They placed him on a ball, shaped like a peanut, and had him facing it, leaned over it, on his knees. Hopefully I gave a good description of the position he was in. I had Frozen songs playing to try to provoke him to hold his head up. Although at times I thought it was spasms as his therapist kept telling him to push/rock etc it seemed to become more consistent. She would tell him to then he would. I try not to let myself read too much into these things because I don't want to be disappointed... Todd was following commands the day after his arrest... then a few days later he wasn't. I don't want to get my heart broken again. But this is encouraging. He also initiates some pedaling on the bike. 

Things he does seem to be more purposeful. At the same time... I know he is aware. Just because the therapists and doctors can't measure it doesn't mean that I don't believe it. I know when he recognizes something I say, or a joke from before, or an event from before... but, is this utter torture for him? To know who he was, what he could do... and to know how limited he is?

I got to take him swimming. He loved that! We will continue to do this and hopefully he starts relaxing more with it. I miss this kid telling me jokes and annoying me at 7 o'clock on a Saturday morning... what I wouldn't give for those days again... but in the mean time... I love how much of him I have now :)