How can you miss someone so much and them only be three feet
away?
I didn’t realize just how much you
could miss a personality, a being, a soul. I can lay in bed with him and still
feel so far away. He isn’t awake. For whatever reason, be it the brain damage
or the drugs. I keep trying to remind myself that he is on a lot of medication
to keep him comfortable through the storms, but at the same time I worry he’s
never going to wake up again. He’ll never be Todd again.
Is he
ever going to say ‘Mommy’ again? Is he ever going to run and jump on me the
second I walk through the door? He was perfect. This perfect child. Yes, I
found fault with him, he is a child after all. But, the best child. I beat
myself up every day for not being nicer, not being more patient. There are so
many things you would do differently if you knew. If only you knew what was
ahead.
I’ve
gone through so many emotions: angry, sad, mad. It’s really hard to be angry
and mad when you have no one to direct it to. This isn’t anyone’s fault. So
where do you lay the blame? Where do you pass the torch? I know this isn’t my
fault, but I have nowhere to displace the anger. I just want to hit something…
or someone. I want to explode.
I miss
him so much. I just want my child back.
I miss him too and wish I could take your pain away. All my love, Mom/Nana
ReplyDeleteI miss him so much every day. I think about the little things i miss. Him calling my name. Running to me and jumping in my arms. Snuggling in bed. I remember the last thing he told me before he left 2 days before all of this. He said " i promise ill come back soon". I am holding him to that!
ReplyDelete