Christmas

I have been struggling with the holidays this year. Do I want to celebrate? Do I not want to? Do I want to acknowledge the day? I'm terrified of what I'll feel that day. I've always loved the holidays. No matter what was going on I could get through it. This year... I'm scared of it. I'm scared of the holidays I'm scared of the feelings. I don't know if I'll power through it or if I'll lay in bed and cry all day.

I have always looked forward to Christmas.... regardless of the presents, regardless of anything else... it was always magical for me. All I can think about now is that I didn't have Todd for Christmas for the last 2 years. It feels like it's lost it's meaning for me. And I hate that. I don't want it to lose it's meaning and the fact that I think that makes me angrier.

I'm getting married 2 days later. Once upon a time... no this was not the most ideal time to get married but this was the only time we had... now I'm terrified that I'm cramming two major events that my son was supposed to be FULLY present for into one week.

I know he is still here. I know he still laughs and smiles.... but I still miss who he was. The perfect little soul that he was. We took him to see the Christmas lights last week and it took everything in me not to have a meltdown. I bought his Christmas presents today after saying for weeks that I couldn't do it.

I thought I had moved passed the pain. But this month just brought everything rushing back.

Not only am I stressed out but I also found out that I have a stomach ulcer. Hoping this doesn't get any worse in the coming week than it already is.

Merry Christmas

Things I probably shouldn't admit

I realized that my inspiration for writing comes during emotional and sad timing. I think I have trouble opening up during the dark times and get overwhelmed and things build up very quickly. I'm a pretty expressive person... maybe over expressive at times. I think that's another way I deal with the hard times... I over compensate. I think I try so hard to be happy that I'm overbearing and then cause myself to go down into these holes that I can't dig myself out of... but refuse to let anyone know that I fell into this hole. Aside from this realization... I also had another one tonight.

I could have had to plan my son's funeral 8 months ago.

There are so many days that I'm sad, confused, angry about what happened to Todd. How it changed him. Changed me. Changed our family. There were days I felt guilty for not telling the medical team to stop. Did I really push so hard for him to live a life like this? How selfish. Maybe at the time it was selfish... but now I know I made the right choice. I do find happiness in every day. I find happiness even where most wouldn't. This whole situation shed a new light on life for me. It gives you perspective. Some things just don't matter. Some things are just not that important. It really shows you what to make a priority in your life and what is truly important. 

I do struggle often. I am only 24. I had Todd when I was 17. That in itself caused me to grow up faster... but not just that I've gone through something NO parent should go through but at an age where most people I know aren't even parents yet. There are often times I struggle with wanting to be my age, wanting to play mom, wanting to advance my education, wanting to stay at home and shut out the world, wanting to go out and dance, wanting to go on spontaneous adventures. No matter what Todd has always come first. But that leaves my head in a whirlwind of chaos. After all of this, again, I felt selfish that I brought him into this world because I didn't think I could live as being a person that had an abortion... yes, a selfish reason to keep a baby. But he has saved me from myself on so many occasions. He's brought me the most happiness I could ever hope for and continues to do so. He has always loved me unconditionally. His face still lights up when I walk in the door from being at work all day. He still smiles uncontrollably when I call him just to say hi. He has such a loving heart. 

Just some things weighing on me that I probably normally wouldn't admit to.... but they are there and again I needed to get them out. 

Surgery

Todd had his tonsils taken out today. Something I have waited YEARS for. I think that if this were to happen before this year I would not have had near as much anxiety, but with everything he's gone through any type of surgery and any type of sedation scares me. But luckily he came out quite stable and quite comfortable. So far we've had no pain issues... Even with all the coughing from the respiratory infection. This kid has been such a trooper. He is honestly the strongest person I know... And not that he has much of a choice but he has been so brave through all of this. I've often struggled with how could I allow my child to live like this. I would never want to. I thought that I pushed so hard to keep him here with me for such selfish reasons and that in all reality I was just torturing him and condemning him to a painful unhappy life. I would think that I'd be a miserable unhappy crabby person if I lived in the type of state he is in... But this amazing child is far from that. He is the happiest person I know. So easy to smile. So easy to laugh. Recovers from a fit in half a second. Only cries when he actually is uncomfortable or needs something. He has always been the most loving kind and generous child.... And that personality is still here with us today. Again I feared I made the wrong decision to push this tonsil surgery. I know the risks are minimal but we've been through so much it's hard not to think about worst case scenarios. What if I pushed this so hard and he didn't make it for what ever reason? I knew this surgery was what was best for him. The doctors agreed with me, but I don't think they would have agreed with me if I hadn't pushed for a sleep study and actually video taped him sleeping myself. There was a moment today... When they let me go back to the OR room with him, all dressed up like a smurf... They let me walk him in. Hold him on the OR table and even hold his hand and be right next to him until he fell asleep. Before hand, like I said, I had all these worst case scenarios and what if he didn't make it, what was my last moment with him going to be like. Ever since the day he arrested, I think about that morning, that quick hug goodbye before I ran off to work... He was still half asleep. That could have been my last moment... And I had no clue. Even though I know his body went limp from the anesthetic gas it still almost felt like the life draining from him. I didn't realize that I would have felt and reacted the way that I did. I was holding his hand and I felt him let go and his hand get heavier in mine. (With my own patients this is generally when I let out the sigh of relief.) I don't know that there is anyone on the planet that could love me the way this child does. Nothing against Brian or my parents, but his adoration and unconditional love and trust for me has surpassed anything I ever could have imagined. Even though he can't talk. Can't nod his head. Can't blink yes or no. We communicate on an entirely different level. I know he feeds off me and I most certainly feed off him. Before the injury if I was ever upset about something or stressed out about school or what ever he would come up to me and hold ME and tell me it would all be alright and that he loved me. He has the most precious soul I have ever been privileged to meet and I am so thankful to be able to call myself his Mommy..... I must have done something right.

Thank you

My writing has started to slow down. I think mainly I've quit moping and dwelling as much as I had been or maybe it has become easier to deal with everything that I'm feeling. I no longer feel like I'm going to explode if I don't throw up my emotions and thoughts on paper. 

Or maybe I'm happier? ...Maybe I'm busier? (Is that even possible?) 

The last 2 weeks Todd has shown the most improvement that I've seen since those first few days when he woke up for the first time. I knew progress would be slow and I'm okay with that (at least that's what I keep telling myself) but it's hard for me to see slow progress since I'm with him everyday. He has absolutely amazed me and given ME a second wind. He gave me another burst of hope. It was much needed. My hope and faith were starting to run dry that we would continue to see progress. I thought we had plateaued... but once again, this little stinker proved me wrong. 

Although he significantly affects how I am and my demeanor... I do have to give credit where it is due. First of all my family. Everyone has been such an amazing supporter. From the one text message in a blue moon, to the letters to let me know you are thinking of me, to the care packages and monetary help. Every single bit of that has helped keep me strong on my feet. To the phone calls to talk about nothing, to giving me my space and respecting it, to respecting decisions that you may not necessarily understand or agree with. To just simply letting me know that you love me and are here for me. For awhile I thought I was alone. Even with this giant family. I felt like no one understood and I would forever be an outsider and different. This is not the case and I have felt more love from all of you than I can ever explain. 

Second of all my fiance. He has put up with my emotional roller coaster. He has walked on egg shells around me. He has gone so far out of his way just to get one tiny half smile out of me. Even if it means I'll have another meltdown immediately after. He's held me and cried with me. He's laughed with me at things we should not be laughing at but they were so bad that what else could we really do? He's held my hand through our fights... through our bickering. He hasn't given up that one day I will be sane again. I've never experienced someone with more patience than him... I love you. 

Third of all my friends. Just having normal conversations goes farther than you all know. The snapchats, text messages, random Facebook comments definitely give my life a little less weight. I don't feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders. I can laugh a little. Relax. You guys brought me back into the real world even if I did come kicking and screaming. From being my gym buddy, to having pool days, to the random frozen drink night.... I feel human again. I feel like Lauren again. 

We sent out wedding invitations yesterday too. It gets closer and closer so fast. I know it will be here before we know it. In a sense I can't wait... but in another, I'm finally happy and enjoying myself... I want to stop and enjoy it for a bit... not speed through it. 

Life in the Fast Lane

I've spent a considerable amount of time moping, mourning, crying, and feeling sorry for all of us. Yes, we went through a tragedy, but it shouldn't ruin the rest of our lives. Our lives will of course be completely different than what we previously imagined, but they aren't over. So let's make the most of it.

We have been so busy this past month. Brian's back in school. I'm back to work. Todd started school and is still in therapy. We've had a sleep study and determined his tonsils must come out. That will be happening in late October. We have 3 months until the wedding. Which is completely planned finally. All that's left is to send out invitations. Oh... And did I mention it's my favorite time of year? Fall is my favorite season. September through December is a magical time of year for me. A month ago I wasn't able to even fathom being able to enjoy it this year, but things change. I bought the scented candles like I always do. I pulled out our Fall decorations. I've actually been watching football games.  It seems to actual be happening and I am able to enjoy it. I'm actually getting a bridal shower that I didn't think would happen with the way our schedules are. I do have to give props to my family... They have all been such a support for me whether they realize it or not... Whether we talk often or not. Those short simple few and far between conversations make all the difference.

Brian and I were talking earlier and I mentioned how 'they' say the first year of marriage is the hardest... All I could think was 'after what we've been through it should be cake.' We will see. We're very excited to celebrate this next chapter with our friends and family in 3 months!

I've also recently made the decision to get Todd baptized. I always held the philosophy that if he chose to be baptized one day I would support it but that I wouldn't push it on him or any religion for that matter. I grew up Episcapol where we baptize at birth. After everything that has happened and with this upcoming surgery I feel that I should. He isn't able to say if he wants this or not and I know that if something were to happen to him that I would have an insane amount of guilt. I guess I am still pretty religious at heart. That's not to say that I won't let him make his own choices in the future, but I feel I have to do this for him... For me.

Todd is doing more purposeful movement and becoming more interactive every day. He smiles more. Turns his head more. Reacts quicker. I can't deny that I have had my doubts and worries and fears. But he shows me up every time almost like he's saying 'Mommy look I told you I could!' He is such a fighter and such an inspiration. Yes this has greatly affected my life but even more so it has affected his and yet, he still has a smile on his face 99% of the time. I need to cut the crap and start smiling as much as him and enjoy life again. It's not over and we've still got time together... And he finds a way to remind me of that every day.

I'm finding my happiness again... And again... It's because of him.

Finding the Positives

Not a single part of this journey has been easy. I don't know that I ever expected it to be easy, but I never expected my son to get a brain injury either. 

Every time I look at him all I can think is 'wow' - he is such a fighter. I struggle with being depressed and sad and mad and every other emotion that exists. But, how bad can I really have it compared to him? I got to be a 7 year old. I got to go to school normally. He is a kid... a child. The rest of his life will forever be changed. As is mine.... but I at least lived. I got to grow up. 

I did flashcards with Todd this morning. He did amazing. I often find myself observing his therapies and find myself actively trying to not let myself get too excited or too optimistic. But there is no denying this. I've been told to prepare for setbacks... we haven't had one yet (knock on wood). I'm just terrified. He woke up the day after he arrested and was following commands... Of course that was before the injury set in... as I know now... but I was so happy then... so happy that I took a brain injury off the table. I don't know if I'm strong enough to handle a setback yet. 

I try to force normalcy on myself. I am going to the gym. Going to work. Engaging in forced conversations. If you have to work so hard to feel/be normal... is it actually normal? I feel like I can't relate to people anymore. Everything going on with Todd is the center and entity of my world. There isn't anything else going on. I feel like a broken record when people talk to me and the only thing I have to contribute to the conversation is how I had to argue with insurance companies all day. Once or twice is no big deal... but it's becoming every day. 

I was in therapy before all of this just to deal with past issues and how to not allow them to affect my future. I was doing pretty good and we were able to change my view of things and perception of them. That changed everything. I had ground breaking appointments that I walked out a new person. 10x happier than I'd ever been. I'm scared to go back. I don't expect anyone to understand what I'm going through if they haven't been through it themselves... so the idea of a psychologist telling me what to do and how to deal infuriates me... just like it does when anyone else does. There is no manual for life. There are no directions on how to deal with this and live and be happy. I need to be happy again. I need to be happy not only for myself... but for Todd too. 

Todd smiles. He laughs. He plays (modified version of course). He keeps me going. Seeing his smile every morning pushes me through the day. His laughter motivates me. There are other parents whose children have similar injuries that haven't smiled... haven't shown emotion.... I don't know what I'd do. The only thing getting me through this is knowing that Todd can experience happiness. 

He progresses more each day. More laughing. More smiling. More noises. Flashcards. More movements. More mouth/chewing movements. None of this is as fast as I would like, but it's there... and I need to remind myself of it every time I get down and depressed. Easier said than done of course. 

I've made a promise to myself that I will try to find at least one positive in everyday... and we can work up from that :)

Inner Turmoil

This used to be the beginning to my favorite time of year... Back to school, Fall, football season, the weather. I love everything about this time of year. At least I used to.

Brian mentioned to me the other day how excited he was that it was August or something like that.. I didn't understand why since I'm the one with the weird season fixations. Apparently he's looking forward to how I'll make the house smell since I'm obsessed with fall scents and usually go buy in bulk in August. I pull out all the Fall decorations... colorful leaves, wreathes, even new place mats.

I don't know if I can do that this year. 

I'm not excited. There is no back to school. We were supposed to be posting the obligatory back to school pictures just like everyone else. Today, the day everyone else went back to school, marks 5 months since Todd cardiac arrested. We also had to drive to Jacksonville and back for Botox injections. The rehab specialist mentioned a Baclofen pump to us again as well. They are technically not indicated until you're at least a full year out from injury so I put it out of my mind from when they mentioned it when we were at the hospital. Todd already has an AICD in him... in his belly. I don't know that there is room for much else. Not to mention I don't really like the idea of a pump going directly into his spine. 

It breaks my heart that Todd didn't start school today. He loved school. As of now he will only get an hour and a half a WEEK of teaching split into two 45 minute sessions. That could change Thursday though at our first IEP  (Individualized Education Plan) meeting. That in itself is going to be a battle. 

It's the last few months before the wedding and I've gained weight since all this happened. My dress doesn't fit the way it used to. It doesn't look the way it used to. Maybe it's because I've changed from all of this and see things differently. I don't know. 

This season is also turning into a countdown. A countdown to next semester. Next semester when Brian goes back into clinics and has crazy hours with schedules that we won't know until the first day on the rotation. I'm losing my mind trying to figure out how this is going to work. How I'll be able to work. 

And what to I do about Halloween? Sure I can still dress him up and wheel him around... but Trick or Treat? That sounds like torture... Here let's roll you around and collect candy that you can't eat. Not that he ate much any other year (we still have Halloween candy from last year on top of our fridge) but it's the idea. Then there's Christmas... he can't help decorate or pick out a tree. We can't cuddle, drink hot chocolate and watch Christmas movies. He can't even open his presents. 

When I open my calendar and look at the next several months... all I see are doctor appointments and therapy.

This only touches the surface of everything going on inside my head. There are so many other conflicting issues and ideas swarming through my head. How do you make peace with a situation when there is so much turmoil? 

Even before all of this I questioned if I was a good mother. I worked my ass of getting through 4 years of school, nursing school included, for him... for us. I wanted to make sure I could support him, but in the end I wound up taking a lot of time from him. Was it the right decision? Now all I can think about are all the times I did things without him. Every time I hired a babysitter. Every time I took a trip without him. All the hours of studying that could have been spent playing with him. You always think there will be time later. I couldn't wait till Brian finished school. We'd have two incomes and plenty of money to take multiple trips to Disney and go on actual vacations as a family. We've also pretty much decided we aren't having another child. Granted there is still plenty of time for that to change, but it's the idea we're going with for now. Todd wanted a little sister so bad... he was begging for one all the time. 

I will, however, end this on a brighter note. 

There was a patient at work that got very sick and almost died. We were able to bring them back and several days later when I went to go check on them their family told them who I was and even though he/she didn't remember me and was still very weak he/she reached up to shake my hand and hold it. That doesn't happen too often... at least not to me. All I could think was I couldn't be there for Todd... at least I was able to do something for this person. Apparently someone had told the family about my situation and Todd and I think they were more upset that I had to go through this with their family member than I was. I've been thanked a million times by patients and their families... but never one quite like this... not this situation. I felt almost happy. 

Anxiety

I went back to work last week After 4 1/2 months of being off... it was definitely an adjustment. My first day could have gone a lot better. I forgot my breakfast, the coffee shop changed it's hours so they weren't open yet, I turned the wrong way, I was floated to another unit, and I forgot my passwords to chart and pull drugs. By 7:30 I thought I was doomed. It turned out to be a pretty decent day though.

Getting back onto my actual unit was where the challenging part was. Not to be overly dramatic, but that's where I was when I got 'the call.' I get flashbacks of that day. When I walked to my car after my first day all I could think was that the last time I actually walked here... Todd was perfect and healthy. I'd like to hope that it gets easier... hoping that it's sooner rather than later. I try to walk out with people now so that I'm not alone with just my thoughts.

 I don't mind people asking about me, how I'm doing and how Todd's doing. It's definitely nice to have adult interaction and actual conversations. But when the conversation isn't focused on me and the only thing I have to add has to do with bringing Todd up, I feel awkward. I literally have nothing else to talk about. I don't want to sound like a broken record and I don't want to be all depressing. Overall good first week back to work. I have amazing coworkers :)

The next topic of conversation becomes the wedding... it's the only other thing going on in my life. Even that gives me so much anxiety though. I feel like I get criticized for continuing to plan it and go through with it. I'm terrified of upsetting people. I'm terrified of fighting with people. I feel guilty that I take time away from Todd to do wedding things like go with my mom to buy her dress or go get a slip for my dress... but this is the one and only thing I have to look forward to right now. I don't see why I should have to give that up. Yes, some things will have to be modified, but it doesn't mean it can't still happen. He's not acutely sick anymore. He's stable. He will be there and he will participate. Not to mention... a lot can happen in 4 months.

I want to feel happiness again. I want to get excited again. Perhaps I'm overly sensitive, but I feel like every time I find a light during all this darkness someone finds a way to dampen it. I also feel that I have a right to be sensitive. Not forever, but it hasn't even been 5 months... we haven't even been living at home for 2. I deserve time to adjust and process all of this. 

Hoping this emotional roller coaster will someday become much less jerky. 

Revival

I've struggled since my last post... I can't lie. I can't deny it. Aside from getting up to care for Todd... I didn't get out of bed until 3 o'clock. I got up a couple of times... tried to stay up... couldn't do it. I'm sad. I hurt. I'm grieving. I'm tired. Brian desperately tried to pull me out of bed. Suggestion after suggestion. He finally got me out on the fact that Todd needed more fish oil for tonight. I had to go to the Vitamin Shoppe to get it.

On my way out of the community I checked the mail. Another donation... but this time with specific instructions to pamper myself... do something for me. Brian and I have both attempted to do things for ourselves and make time for ourselves... but it's hard. We both feel so guilty. Guilty leaving the other one alone with Todd. It's hard work. It's physically challenging to lift him, carry him, change his diaper etc. It's mentally challenging when he cries incessantly and we can't figure out what's wrong... no matter what we do. We feel terrible and selfish taking time for ourselves. Our energy should be spent helping him get better not selfishly on ourselves... or so we think.

I cry when I'm with Todd... I cry when I'm without him. I miss him in both instances. I hurt for him. You hurt when your child hurts. He has pain. Contractures and spasms are not painless. I can only imagine. Stretching and placing weight on certain spots helps with the spasticity pain... but it causes pain to do so. I have to hurt him to help him. This. Freaking. Sucks. I now know the true definition of tough love. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

I went to get my nails done... which happens to be a place in the mall. I don't have someone I normally go to - just a certain place. As I was waiting to 'sign in' another woman was paying... she was $4 dollars short. She brought her son with her to the salon... Chick-Fil-A in hand. She obviously spent the other bit of money to buy him that meal. I understand the attempt to pamper/take care of yourself when you don't have the money for it. I never have cash... ever. But, I remember that this particular time that I did in fact have cash in my wallet. I paid the remaining amount. I felt good about it... emotional. The whole salon was made aware that this woman wasn't able to pay... so when she suddenly had the funds of course it was made known what I had done... embarrassing. I tried not to cry. After the generosity that has been shown to me it's the least I could do. We don't know everyone's story. We don't know what they are going through or what they have been through. I know it was only $4 dollars, but they weren't going to let her leave and I'm sure she was utterly embarrassed. After that I sat down to get my nails done. I am not a very talkative person with people I don't know. I usually just sit and suffer in silence... (I also suck at understanding accents) The woman I had today was amazing. We laughed. We talked. We share stories. A very different experience for me. I enjoyed the company.

After that I decided to walk around a bit... I haven't been to the mall in months. I didn't need anything in particular, but I was already there... I might as well look around and feel human again. I wound up finding something I needed for the wedding as well as a watch for work since I start back on Sunday. I'd say that's a successful trip. Then I saw it. The indoor mall playground. Todd loved this place. He would stay there for hours if I let him. I cried. Right there. In the middle of the mall. Staring at other people's children. I'm sure they thought I was a creep. I miss having to drag him passed the place and saying 'next time'. I pulled myself together and kept going. On my way out I ran into a colleague from work. She complimented me and was very supportive of my going back to work and how I've cared for Todd. It was much needed. To hear it from someone other than immediate family.

As I walked away from the conversation another friend invited me to dinner. It was more of a demand rather than a question... but with the day I was having it needed to be that way. Brian had to work overnight tonight and I decided to not be a baby and to tough it out and take Todd out with me. As tedious and difficult as it is to transport him... it was really nice. To have conversations about things other than him.... about things that are funny. It was nice to be able to talk about myself for once and not just in a way in relation to Todd. I'm struggling to remember who I was before this. I'm not the same person I was... but I am still my own person, right? I've struggled to find her... this person, buried beneath Mommie, caregiver, advocate, and nurse. I felt more myself during this dinner than I have in so long.

I also had a somewhat distant family member... not one I talk to often, but I do keep up with on Facebook, contact me to offer to help in any way she could with Todd. Even if that meant flying out here for a bit. I'm still amazed at the generosity of people around me.

I feel like my faith in the future has been revived. I feel like for the past few days/weeks I've felt like I was stuck in a rut. I'm terrified of going back to work, but I think it will help the situation. It will help me reidentifiy with myself. I'll be doing something I love... something I went to school for. A series of problems to solve... that are actually solvable. Task oriented.

There is hope for the future... and I need to stop forgetting that.

Non Pity Party Post

I set up this blog so that I could vent/release my feelings out into the world and people could 'choose' to read or not... I think I may have turned this page into a pity party for myself. This was not my intention, but I do find myself more willing to write when I'm sad and depressed rather than when I'm happy and energetic. 

As of lately I just feel drained. I wake up tired. I go to sleep tired. I try to push myself to do things for myself, but I'm just exhausted. I'm exhausted, but then I find myself lying in bed, restless and awake. 

I have frequently visited the thought of 'what if he didn't make it' or 'would it have been better than having a brain injury' .... the conclusion I have come to is that being able to cuddle with him and build a fort over him and watch him laugh as my shoddy fort comes falling down on top of us is much better than visiting a grave... any day. He still brings so much happiness into my life. He laughs so easily. He smiles at me. He shows me that he loves me. No amount of pain in the world can trump the feeling I get when he smiles at me. 

Last night, as I mentioned earlier, I built a fort. Just like blankets and chairs, but none the less a fort. I was underneath it with him while we watched a movie (Tangled, I think)... I started telling him 'I love you' ... he started trying to mimic my mouth motions and blew air out at somewhat appropriate times. You could tell he was trying. 

Yesterday morning, we had physical therapy. They placed him on a ball, shaped like a peanut, and had him facing it, leaned over it, on his knees. Hopefully I gave a good description of the position he was in. I had Frozen songs playing to try to provoke him to hold his head up. Although at times I thought it was spasms as his therapist kept telling him to push/rock etc it seemed to become more consistent. She would tell him to then he would. I try not to let myself read too much into these things because I don't want to be disappointed... Todd was following commands the day after his arrest... then a few days later he wasn't. I don't want to get my heart broken again. But this is encouraging. He also initiates some pedaling on the bike. 

Things he does seem to be more purposeful. At the same time... I know he is aware. Just because the therapists and doctors can't measure it doesn't mean that I don't believe it. I know when he recognizes something I say, or a joke from before, or an event from before... but, is this utter torture for him? To know who he was, what he could do... and to know how limited he is?

I got to take him swimming. He loved that! We will continue to do this and hopefully he starts relaxing more with it. I miss this kid telling me jokes and annoying me at 7 o'clock on a Saturday morning... what I wouldn't give for those days again... but in the mean time... I love how much of him I have now :)

Hope for the Future

I've had a lot of different things inspiring this post.

Of course, my ultimate hope is to have the same Todd back.... this just simply is not going to happen. I have researched and researched and have not found a single success story in which I would be happy with the outcome. 

There are kids that get physical mobility back... there are kids that get thought process and learning back... but no kid gets everything... how do you decide what you think would be best? I feel like mentally, Todd is completely there. The looks he gives us, the expressions... they are all appropriate for the situation. So do I wish he was physically better? Yes... of course. I want him to chase me around again. But, then I hear of these kids that are so mentally altered that they are committing violent crimes against not only their families but themselves too.... do I really want Todd to struggle with this? 

What do I want for Todd? I want him to love. I want him to live. I want him to enjoy himself. I want him to succeed. I was never able to picture Todd as a teenager or an adult... maybe because he was no where near either of those things... but, it makes me wonder. I wanted to give him a future, a life. I worked my ass off through nursing school not just for myself, but mainly for him. I knew that I would always have a job, regardless of whether it was one I wanted or not.... but I could provide for him no matter what. My ultimate goal was to take care of him... and now I feel like a failure. 

How do I stop feeling this way?

Right now... I feel like more of a caregiver than a Mom, a roommate rather than a fiance... I've lost my own personality, my own being. I feel like all I do is support everyone else. I'm not working, so my nursing degree is just sitting there staring at me... Who am I? How do I quit feeling like I fail at everything I touch? 

Todd deserved so much more... he didn't deserve to go through this. 

I don't give up hope because to do that would kill me.... and Todd deserves every chance this world has to offer him. I will fight to find any solution there is to this devastating injury. 

Faith

I recently read a blog written by another Mom with a child going through something similar to Todd. She spoke about how her faith was questioned and challenged. Luckily for her, it seems her faith only grew stronger with what was going on with her child... my experience was somewhat different. 

I started moving away from religion around the time my parents were going through a divorce. A time when we needed our church the most. We were practically shunned. The looks we got. The gossip. It seemed to be just another group of people who were only there for the good times...not the bad. I didn't want to be a part of that. I attempted to attend several other churches, but nothing ever felt comfortable. Even after Todd was born, I attempted to take him to church. The looks and judgement I got for being a young mom... maybe I should have been stronger... but I didn't feel welcome or accepted. I did however allow him to go with his great grandmother to her church every Sunday while I worked. It was important to me that Todd have exposure and hopefully develop a faith of his own.

Throughout multiple experiences I would question how God, this good God, that I was taught about would allow these things to happen. So much pain and suffering. So much unhappiness in the world. This led me to my belief in the universe. A system of balance. I always believed there was something more than just us... but I was struggling to believe the God that I had been taught about. Plus, I struggled with the multiple religions. How could only one group of people know the truth or be right? I believed in the universe. I believed in balance... in cause and effect. 

When this happened... when I was sitting in that emergency room. I prayed for Todd to be saved. I felt guilty. How dare I pray selfishly after not praying or anything prior to this for years. I didn't realize what I was praying for then. I didn't realize that by saving him that he would be introduced into a different life when he came back. Did I really pray for him to be saved just to suffer? Was I being punished for selfishly praying? He doesn't deserve to live like this. He deserves so much more. How is it okay to allow this to happen to a child? Someone so innocent. 

Recently I've struggled adjusting. I feel like I do well during the day time, when we're out and about... but in those late hours and early morning hours... I cry. I miss him terribly. I've started to pray again... again feeling selfish. During one of these prayers I asked for a sign... as I'm sure many people have done before me. I needed to know. I hoped it would be in a way of progression with Todd... it came much differently.

I know this is going to sound crazy, but bear with me. 

One of our neighbors', one of Todd's friends, cat got loose last night. Her mom hadn't told her yet as she was desperately hoping that the cat would turn up before she had to tell her. I was leaving our complex for an appointment and had literally just gotten done thinking, 'How awesome would it be if I could fine this cat for her?' I know the pain of having your childhood animal run away. And I was struggling with feeling incompetent and unable to really do anything right (I always took pride in how well Todd was turning out - so smart, so polite, so fun and loving... but then I even failed at that... I didn't protect him).... It was no more than a second that the thought passed through my mind that I saw this cat. It allowed me to pick it up and take it home. No problems. This was my sign. I know it sounds insane, but it was my sign. My faith may not be what it was... but I still have a little bit left. I can build on that. 

Theory

I used to have this theory. Everyone goes through the same amount of crap in life... it's just a matter of when and how spaced out it is. 

I've completely abandoned this thought process.

I think I came up with this so called theory to help myself get through previous trials in my life. I went through a lot of tough situations starting in my preteen years. These situations were awful enough that I had to develop coping mechanisms. How does an 11-12 year old cope with situations that they can't even fully understand? Things that even to this day are difficult to understand. To protect myself from being bitter, angry, resentful... I had to come up with something that showed me a light at the end of the tunnel. Although I still struggle with a lot of these feelings and emotions... it got better when I thought, and forced myself to believe, that the worst was behind me. How could anything be worse than what I already went through? The only thing I could come up with is if the same situation occurred with a bit of a different ending. So, even if this did happen again... I would be prepared. I would already know how to handle it, how to handle myself in the situation.

I never imagined that this would happen.

I never would have guessed that this would have happened to my child. Those types of thoughts just don't cross your mind. You see your child growing up, going to school, learning new things, developing their own personalities...their own lives. 

I thought, there has to be a balance, a reason for all the madness. There is no reason. There is no answer.... and some people just get dealt sucky situation after sucky situation. I convinced myself that, yeah... bad things would happen again, but nothing quite so tragic. I was wrong. Very wrong. I'm still in disbelief. I clung to this theory. I lived by it. The worst was behind me... no, it wasn't. 

At this point, it has all been about my situations. What I've gone through. But, there is another person in the mix. Brian. Another person who went through horrible, horrible times. Awful experiences... tragedies. He fell in love with Todd. He adores him. It's not fair that he should have to experience even more pain than he already has. Before all of this with Todd, I presented my theory to him hoping to help him. Now, I just feel like an idiot. How wrong could I have been? 

Brian is absolutely amazing to Todd. I could not have found a better person to spend my life with and involve in Todd's life. I wouldn't change the experiences Todd has from Brian for anything. But, there is an extremely high level of guilt from me introducing Brian to Todd. Had I never pursued the relationship. Had we never pushed to be together. Had I never introduced him to my child... he wouldn't be feeling this pain. This was not something that he had to be a part of. I got pregnant, I had a baby, I have to live with those decisions and everything that comes of it. He didn't. He didn't have to go through this with me. I feel responsible for the pain he feels from this. It's my fault for introducing them. Granted, yes, he had a choice. He didn't have to play the role he did. He didn't have to do all the things he did. But, that's part of what makes him such a great person. He doesn't deserve to go through this. 

I don't know how to see the light at the end of the tunnel anymore. I'm taking everything hour by hour. I can't possibly look any further ahead. It's exhausting. It's scary. There is so much unknown... it's overwhelming. 

I went to Publix yesterday and cried in the dairy section by the yogurt. Todd used to pick out his 10 Publix yogurts every trip. When does it get better? When does it get easier? Will we ever be able to be happy again?

Back Together

We are finally ALL back together! ... the fur babies are home!!

As if we weren't busy enough, let's throw our 2 dogs back into the mix.... but seriously, we missed them.

I was super nervous to bring them back home. Hooper, the lab sized one, is a big giant clutz and thinks he's the size of Brody, the shih tzu, who is also always underfoot. As annoying and crazy as these dogs can be, we love them, and our family wouldn't be complete without them. Our house doesn't feel quite so dead anymore. They definitely bring life back into it. Makes it easier to be here after everything that has happened.

Not to mention they ADORE Todd. Brody is constantly being caught laying right next to Todd, whether he is in the floor, on the couch, or in bed. Hooper is constantly giving Todd kisses... every time he walks by him. He's Todd's watch dog. Always observing what's going on with him. He'll walk over if Todd starts to cry. As clumsy and crazy as these dogs are they are still aware. They know something has changed with Todd. They know to be gentle around him.

They are certainly happy to be home as well. We pulled into the neighborhood and both dogs almost lost it waiting to get out. Normally Brody would run off and chase something or Hooper would just go exploring... they both bolted for the front door. They knew which one was theirs. They were home.

We also made a big trip down to South Florida this past week. Another nerve wracking experience. I was already nervous having Todd in the car for 5 minutes... but, 5 hours?! He did well. Better than I expected. I feel like if we continue making trips we just need to get rid of the apartment and live in an RV haha. We literally brought our entire house with us... excluding the walls and plumbing ;) We got a lot of wedding stuff done, so hopefully only one more trip down and everything will be done. According to my countdown (but who's counting?) we have 5 months and 17 days! Holy cow. I feel like it's been over a year away the whole time and now only 5 months! I would say 'where has the time gone?' but I already know the answer to that question.

Now it's time to REALLY get settled back into life and the world. We'll be interviewing private duty nurses soon, I'll be going back to work, Brian will start his last year of vet school in a month. I've started going back to the gym (unfortunately you either gain weight or lose it with stress... I gained... and a certain important dress is just a wee bit on the tight side :O)

I guess this wound up being more of an update post... I'll pour out the emotional junk next time ;)